Heather: I'm DOING IT.

Because Ash told me to. Her list:

1) Say one thing you love about every member of SAAWAKM.
2) Tell us the latest developments/revelations in your current story.
3) Teach us about something you know a lot about.
4) Explain one moment/memory that changed your life.
5) Tell us about your family.

Well, I'm only going to do four. Because for 1, there is too much to say, and I love you all, 2, I don't even know anymore. I'm just trying to write and see if it feels right. 3, I know too much about everything to just pick one thing ;). And 5, my family... I don't know how to summarize it. My family is both very messed up, in ways I'm not really comfortable with talking about on the internet at this point in time, and very, very wonderful.

So, I figured I'd go with number four. I guess what I'm going to talk about may not be the most life changing event/years of my life; but it is something that has definitely changed my life.

It may surprise some of you, I guess, to learn about this- because it doesn't even seem like me to myself, but it's true. When I was younger, I wasn't good at picking friends. The ones I picked can't even really be considered friends, in all honesty.

I was left out, and I was made fun of. I was ignored, and all I wanted was to be noticed. Well, the 'wanting to be noticed' bit comes in later. There were a lot of things that happened leading up to just Junior High School, that weren't nice. For example, my friends told other people not to be friends with me, they left me out on purpose, and they did make fun of me. I'm not sure why I never really stood up for myself, honestly.Maybe I just thought that that was what a friend was?

When I got to Junior High, it was worse. I pretty much had no friends, I dreaded going to school, because I knew girls were going to say mean things, people were going to call me by mean nicknames, and I was going to spend the entire day basically alone. I ate lunch alone, and then I would escape to the school library for the rest of it on the days it was open. I talked to the school librarian every time I took out a book, and she was really, my only friend there.

I know I did things wrong, and made mistakes during that time. But there were days where I was afraid to go to school, because I didn't want to feel so alone. My family didn't know. No one still really does.

And maybe it isn't a big deal, maybe being bullied is just a part of life. But that really did change me. I'm not ashamed to admit that throughout that entire time, I wanted to be like the rest of them, I wanted nothing more then to be accepted by them. To feel pretty. To feel like a worthy person.

I wanted to conform, because I thought that that was how I was supposed to be. It made me very self-conscious for a long time, and there are still moot points when I'm not so sure I like myself totally because of it.

I moved across the country after the first year of Junior High, and I was terrified it would be more or less the same, but it wasn't. I don't really bother to tell anyone about this, in fact, while I didn't go too much into detail now, I think this is really the most I've told anyone about it.

I didn't write this because I want anyone to feel bad for me, because I have changed. All of that allowed me to become the person I am now. I am happy. I am confident. I do like myself now. I'm not afraid of being bullied, and when I feel like I am, I stand up for myself. But the most important thing about this that I think I have become someone who will never want anyone to feel like, or worse than, I felt.

If I hear someone talk behind another person's back, I tell them to stop. I hate when people judge others, and I do everything I can not to make assumptions about anyone, because I know how it feels, and it hurts. I'm not a saint, not even close, but that experience did change me. Now, I don't care about fitting in, I mean really, what's the big deal? It's just high school. But I think the most important thing I got from that is that now I try to go out of my way to help others- and yes, sometimes I over think things, or do the wrong thing, but I don't ever want to hurt people in anyway shape or form. And when they are hurt, I want to help them not ignore it.

So I guess what I'm saying is that even though that did leave me very hurt, and it did take a long time for me to get back any bit of confidence, I wouldn't stop it from happening, because it did play a big part in making me... me. And I don't think I ever want to change myself.

The reason I'm writing this, like I said before, isn't because I want pity, but more because it's both something that did change my life in a big way, but it's also something to say that I do trust you guys. And maybe, if it wasn't almost two in the morning, and I wasn't tired out of my mind, I wouldn't have shared this. But it's been on my mind lately, so I guess it's kind of nice to get it off my chest.

Anyway, that was one of my life changing memories...

-H