Sarah Says Goodbye

Dear Ladies,

Real life is a funny thing, you know.

In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I’ve began to fear more than that, is letting the moment pass with saying anything.

There’s a time for silent, and there a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say…

You’ll know it.

I think I need to speak now, because that’s what my heart is telling me I should do. And who am I to deny my heart what it wants?

You guys should know that over the past year and half, I’ve been through so much that something sinister was working its way through me. Something so dark and scary that I tried to ignore it for a long time.

I've been the victim of growing up, which apparently happens to all of us at one point or another. It's been going on for quite some time now, without me knowing it.

I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It just means I’ve changed.

The reality of my grandfather’s illness and the hardship of my brother abandoning my family, and million other things I don’t feel comfortable telling you guys about, hit me hard. My entire world was changing around me, and I along with it.

I was so afraid of these changes that I would put on this mask, this strange façade where I was still that same old Sarah, the one who loved talking about pointless things and didn’t mind being frivolous.

Apparently I was very good at this. My friends and teachers didn’t notice a difference in my behavior, or they didn’t care enough to show it. I would smile through my classes and small talk my way out of conversations, all the while covering up everything I was feeling and all of these drastic changes I was facing.

Everybody has that point in their life where you hit a crossroads and you've had a bunch of bad days and there's different ways you can deal with it. The way I dealt with it was through faith.
And I think faith has helped me more than anything else could. Because even though I can’t prove that God is out there scientifically, I know He is. I know because I have the courage to believe in something I can’t see or hear or taste or smell. I believe in something that not right there at my fingertips, but I still believe in Him with all of my heart and mind and soul.

I’m not trying to force this down your guy’s throats or anything, please don’t take it that way. I’m just trying to explain some things to you that I never had the courage to explain before because I was afraid.

But through my fear, I’ve learned something very important: you will always know more in the future than you do now. For instance…

1. Self tanner actually doesn’t look natural.
2. Your parents aren’t always wrong.
3. People will burn you.
4. Just because the bottle says mild, doesn’t mean the sauce won’t be hot.
5. Boys are stupid 98% of the time
6. Friends come and go.
7. Carry an extra pair of flip-flops with you in case the other break.
8. And saying certain things can hurt.

You guys can claim all you want that I said the “wrong” things in that post, but I don’t think I did. I said what was on my mind, which is, like, the definition of blogging. I didn’t mean to sound stand-offish, I was just tired of people hating on me, which you guys clearly didn’t understand.

Actually, I didn’t know Cori had a girlfriend of Brandon was gay or all of those other things. I don’t know if I missed those posts or what, but I simply didn’t know. And that’s not my fault.

I also don’t know why I’m saying all of this, because I don’t have to explain myself to you guys. No, it wasn’t a mistake and yes, I know you guys will disagree with me there.

I’m not ‘owning up’ to anything either or saying sorry. If you guys were hurt by what I said, you shouldn’t have been because I was just stating my opinion, which was stated in the beginning of my post.

I feel like I’ve been part of this group for too long. I’ve felt this way for a while now, not just after the big incident. At first, this was a great way to get help when I needed it but now I feel like I don’t belong anymore.

So, this is the post I’ve tried to make a million times but always deleted. This is my semi-formal goodbye. If I’ve ever offended you in anyway, I really didn’t mean to. But I’m also not apologizing because I don’t feel like I need to, because I only ever followed my heart, which can never be wrong.

Jeez, for the longest time I was afraid to tell you guys this, because I didn’t want to give it up, to lose something that’s been a part of me for this long.

I was afraid when I first sang on stage, but after belting it out I conquered that fear. I was terrified of snakes until I was twelve, when I was actually bit by one and didn’t die. I thought High School was going to be big and scary, but after my first day, I knew I would be okay.
I was afraid to speak up, but now I find it really easy.

And maybe that’s why it’s finally okay for me to type all of this out. Because I’m not afraid anymore. In fact, I’m kinda fearless now, which kinda rocks.

Best Wishes,
Sarah